I recently discovered some new details about my parents’ marriage that explained so much about my childhood. My eyes opened to see my past, my story, in a way that I’d never seen it before. And it devastated me. It brought me back to the trauma with such sharp clarity, and I feel more broken now than I have since I first became a Christian.
Yet in the midst of it, I feel God’s grace. He’s with me, gently encouraging, “You’re ready now. It’s time.”
A mentor of mine explained to me once that one of the most important steps in finding healing from your past is to create a new reality. Spending too much time in your past can be like quicksand, sucking you in deeper with nothing to pull you out. Without a new, more secure reality to anchor us, confronting the past can send you spiraling down. I believe God gives us a measure of grace during earlier stages of life where we’re somehow able to dissociate from certain crippling experiences, circumstances, habits, or scars so that we’re able to move forward. We learn, we grow, we mature, we develop new relationships and continue to build a beautiful future.
But that doesn’t last forever. Eventually, when we’ve grown strong enough and found the support we need to anchor us, He takes us back to deal with the roots. What worked to get us to this place just won’t work to take us forward.
Jacob had become a very successful man, but one day, he finds himself in a crisis, confronted by his brother Esau, and he cries out to God. He spends the night wrestling with God, refusing to let Him go until he receives a blessing. God asks Jacob one thing: “What is your name?” The last time Jacob wanted a blessing, he pretended to be someone he was not. Jacob could deceive his father Isaac, but he can’t lie to God. Jacob confesses, “I am Jacob.” God responds by giving him a new name, Israel. When Jacob faced who he was, God revealed who he would become. As he owned his past, he was gifted with his destiny.
If the truth about my parents’ marriage had hit me ten years ago, I don’t think I could have handled it. But things are different now—I’m different. God has been so good to me, and He’s brought me so far. It’s scary, but I think it’s time to face the pain of my past. It’s hard, but feeling exposed, weak, and broken again is a price worth paying to finally embrace my true story.
Andrew Min is Newsong’s Next Steps Coordinator. If you want to read more of his stuff, check out notandrewmin.com
