Sometimes, even when God is right and we know it, we tend to want to go our own way. When we’re faced with a challenge, many times we think to ourselves, “We can do it!” The truth is that we can’t do anything without God. We weren’t meant to be independent and from the very beginning were destined to rely on God in an intimate relationship. I failed to realize that fact this past month.
At the start of July, I was nearly squealing with excitement when my first blog’s prompt was handed to me. It was the first opportunity I had ever had to put myself out there as an artist and would be publicly used by God. Too nervous to think, I tried going to God to help sort out exactly what I should be doing. To my pleasure, as I was trying to rest in God’s presence, I had a bolt of brilliance. A picture came to mind. It was so deep and powerful, I thought that surely it was from God.
I started working on my painting immediately. I wanted to finish it as soon as possible. It was going to be everything I wanted it to be: bold, fresh, and complex. I was so excited that I couldn’t sleep and spent time working on the painting into the wee hours of the morning.
From there, things took a nasty turn. After a few days of staying up so late, I began to enter a brutal cycle. I soon found myself oversleeping, overeating, and struggling to stay focused. For nearly a month, I was physically, mentally, and emotionally overwhelmed. I barely had any time for rest, let alone time with Him.
God was still speaking to me through daily devotions, inviting me to spend time with Him and leave the project in His hands. I was so blinded by fear and pride that I failed to listen. I thought that I knew better than God and that by just working hard the project would succeed. Admittedly, even at this point, I knew God was right, but I was too stubborn to trust him.
So for nearly a month, I dragged myself onwards day after day. But, it got to the point where I had exhausted myself entirely. I literally couldn’t take it anymore or I would die. At this point, I was done with the blog. I despised it. All I wanted then was just to feel happy again.
So in my desperation, I cried out to the Lord with all the strength I had left, and He gave me rest. To my surprise, God wasn’t condemning or angry at all. In fact, He seemed happy that I returned to Him. He truly didn’t care about me wasting a month running from Him. He kept me in His peace and allowed me to breathe for a day.
During that time, my eyes were opened to the fact that whether God gave me the painting idea or not, I had missed the entire point. The point of letting me be a part of this blog was that God and I were going to work together, not apart, but I had neglected God and forsaken Him for my own desires of fame. I had decided to go my own route, reaping death from my own sowings of pride and worry. It was my pride standing in the way of God, my pride telling me that I knew better than God and that my ways were above His. I listened to my pride about my own abilities to actually execute the painting and tried to do the entire thing on my own without God. I willfully ignored and turned from God despite knowing that He is right. I didn’t even ask God if my idea was the idea He wanted in the first place and instead looking to other people for validation.
Not long after my revelation, the looming deadline took over my thoughts once again. I was afraid of Him and what He would do about the project, so I ran from God in fear, again. Just like that I was back to my old self. At this point, though, I was too weak to resist any longer. So, again, I cried out to God again in frustration and distraught. God said nothing at first, so I panicked falling into despair and weeping bitterly. I rested my head on my pillow ready to give up and strangely it was then that He spoke to me.
He completely opened my eyes to His plan and showed me how my entire experience could be used for good and for the glory of God. I felt a great joy so powerful that I can’t describe. Despite my abandonment of God, He still would use me for His own good. So, I went to work again under the hand of God and finished this blog piece. I felt at peace this time because it was God’s will, not my own.
In the mess of the situation I had made for myself, God still loved me. He was still perfect and full of grace. These were not simple sins I committed, these were crimes punishable by death in the Old Testament, but God chose to love me, He chose to love humanity and have a relationship with us. The proof is in Jesus’s sacrifice.
As Christians, when we do God’s work, we must all be careful of working on our own. The world praises independency and strength. They worship the self-made man. Our way is the opposite. We worship God. Every good work we do is God’s, not ours.
Through dependence on God, we gain strength. And through dependence on God, we gain intimacy.
Grace is a student in Newsong Youth, and an amazing artist with wisdom beyond her years.
